It's Not What You Think
by ObviousMan
Summary: Because the unproductivity is killing me, I dug up some old humorfics I wrote awhile ago. Humorous and guaranteed to make you laugh. Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Alone Together. Rated PG-13 for concepts alluded to during stories. Enjoy.
1. Please?

Since I still have no time to write on Alone Together, I figured I could just post these. I was saving this collection of short humorfics for April Fool's Week, but they work just as good now. Each one was written with painstaking care, during my Chem class while Prof. Duh bored us to sleep. (Yes, that really is his name. No, I'm not kidding.) Anyway, these tales are guaranteed to get a rise out of you, and to show all my readers how perverted you really are. Enjoy.

First story: (Gesea) Please?

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...Presea closed and locked the door, turning back to Genis with a pleading expression on her face. "Please? Just tonight?"

"...But I don't wanna! I'm tired..." Genis whined.

"You can sleep in late tomorrow. Tomorrow's Saturday; no one will mind. Please?"

"Aw..."

"Please?" Presea begged. "Lloyd and Colette do, every night!"

"Yeah, but they're, well, them! They're always full of energy. They don't need sleep, like normal people do." Genis grumbled.

"But even Raine and Kratos do it, every time Kratos visits from Derris-Kharlan!"

"Somehow I think Kratos does it more for Raine's enjoyment than himself..." he muttered, imagining the two of them together. He looked up, subconsciously taking a step back as he noticed Presea's eyes.

Presea's eyes now had a very crafty look to them, something that had been happening more and more recently. Suddenly and without warning she tackled him to the ground; holding his wrists down with her hands, she quickly sat down straddling him, effectively pinning him to the floor. She released one of his wrists to playfully twirl a lock of his hair. "I could always _make_ you do it..."

Genis immediately blushed a furious shade of red. "N-No you couldn't! I-It d-doesn't work l-like that!" he managed to stammer.

"Oh, I think I could find a way..." she said softly into his ear, making him squirm uncomfortably.

"Mrrg..." he groaned as he struggled, apparently still wanting his sleep.

"Please, Genis?" Presea asked quietly, leaning her face closer to his. "Don't make me beg..."

"...Aww..." Genis stopped squirming at the look of genuine pleading on Presea's face. _'Didn't know she enjoyed it _that_ much...'_ he thought to himself.

"...Oh alright _fine_!" he finally gave in. "Just g-get off me!"

"Thank you Genis!" she cheered as she dashed off to grab her favorite blanket, the one they had been using for their special time since Lloyd had fixed her Crystal. Genis sighed as he slid his backpack off, just in time for Presea to wrap the blanket around them both. As Presea gazed on hopefully, Genis rummaged through the backpack; her eyes grew worried as he zipped the main section shut. "I can't find them!" he sighed exasperatedly.

"Oh no! Did I leave them back at the last inn?" Presea asked, worried.

"I don't think so..." Genis looked pensive as he responded. "...Oh wait, I remember now. I put them in here after the last time," he recalled. Opening the smaller front pouch, he quickly espied what he was looking for. "Here they are. Now which one did you want?"

"How about the one where the two children get lost in the woods?" Presea asked. "You haven't read that one in a long time."

"I suppose..." Genis quickly fished out the correct book, opening to the first page. "Once upon a time..."

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Hah! I know what you were thinking, and it was very wrong of you! Very wrong! Bad pervs! Bad!

Nailo: Ecchi! (smack) Sukebe! (smack) Hentai! (smack)

...Although I can hardly blame you. That _was _the goal of the story, to make you think that way and laugh.

Anyway, R&R! There's a whole lot more where this came from.

¿ObviousMan?


	2. Aim for the Closer Hole

This next tale is guaranteed to be just as humorous as the first. Enjoy.

Second Story: (Sheelos) Aim for the closer hole...

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"Are you sure I'll enjoy this?" Sheena asked tentatively as Zelos led her down the stairs to the basement of his mansion.

"Absolutely! Every other hunny I've taken down here has left satisfied."

"...Really?" she asked, somehow doubting the Chosen's words.

"Yeah! Even the guys I took down here had fun."

"You took _guys_ down here?" Sheena asked, incredulous. Zelos simply nodded.

"Hey, it's not a true sport until you can get other men to enjoy it."

"I-I believe you... it's just, I thought you never really got friendly with other men. Look at how you treat Lloyd and Genis!"

"Nah, I just treat those two like that 'cause I luv 'em!" Zelos responded, smiling in his typical carefree manner.

The two rounded a corner and came face-to-face with Zelos' playroom. "Shall we get started?"

_A few moments later..._

"...I still can't believe I'm doing this..." Sheena mumbled as she grasped Zelos' stick with both hands.

"Hey, you said you wanted to learn! I just provided the opportunity." Zelos responded.

"...Just out of curiosity, who taught _you_ how to do this?" Sheena asked.

"Honestly? My mother. Dad was never around, and I was never let out of the house, so I had nothing else to do; one day I walked in on mom down here having fun."

"Your _mom _taught you how to do this?" Sheena asked, once again incredulous.

"Hey! I'll have you know she was quite good at it too." Zelos replied with a smirk. "How else do you think she won my dad over?"

"...okay..." Sheena responded, turning back to the long stick in her hands. "...am I holding this right?"

"Not quite." He shifted her hands farther apart, so she was grasping more of the stick than before.

"Are you sure these are _supposed_ to be this big?" Sheena inquired.

"I've been doing this since I was 15; I think I'd know if it was the proper size or not," Zelos replied, looking slightly offended.

"Whatever..." Sheena turned back again to the stick; she was having difficulty controlling the thing due to its length. Zelos leaned over her shoulder, watching.

"You're gonna want to aim for the closer hole," he observed offhand.

"YOU STUPID CHOSEN I'm not a _complete_ idiot!" Sheena practically screamed at him. "I _think_ I could have figured that one out!"

"Hey! Hey! I was just making sure..." Zelos replied, slightly taken aback. "You were the one that said you'd never done this before..."

"Don't baby me..." she growled threateningly. She shifted the stick back and forth uncertainly, prompting another idiotic Zelos comment: "You sure you don't want my help?"

"I'VE GOT IT ALRIGHT?" she shouted as she thrust the stick forward towards its goal.

The tip of the stick connected with the cue ball, sending it hurtling directly at the 9. The yellow ball snapped forward expertly, bouncing once off the side before sinking in the corner pocket.

"Yes!" Sheena cheered, jumping up and down and hugging Zelos for a second until she realized what she was doing. Blushing lightly, she released him and turned back to the pool table. "T-This is fun..." she muttered.

"Really? And here I thought you were just enjoying being close to me..." Zelos replied with a smile, settling his arms around Sheena's waist and pulling her close.

**SMACK**

"Hey, those are expensive..." Zelos grumbled, rubbing his red cheek. A fuming Sheena quickly picked up a new cue stick to replace the one she broke.

"You'll get over it," she replied tartly, face still red. "I believe it's your turn?"

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If the last story wasn't enough evidence, the look on your faces now is proof. Hope you enjoyed it.

R&R Please!

¿ObviousMan?


	3. A New Toy

Third story is for all those yaoi fans out there. Know you'll get a kick out of this. Minor spoilers if you don't know who/what Kratos is.

Third Story: (KratosLloyd) A New Toy

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Kratos sighed again as he was pulled along by his son. He had promised to buy his son one thing of his choice for his birthday; now his promise came back to bite him as he saw the store they were headed for. "Do you really need another one of those?" Kratos asked exasperatedly. "You already have two..."

His son stopped his headlong dragging to turn back and face his father. "I'll have you know," he started, wagging his finger in a reproving manner, "you can never have too many of these. And besides," he smiled, "You know you enjoy all the practice we get."

Kratos sighed again. "Very well." _'Let's just get this over with...'_

As the two entered the store, the manager greeted them warmly; the two had been in several times before, and were among his best customers. "Do you need any help with your selection?"

"No, I know what I'm looking for," Lloyd responded, winking. The manager gave a knowing smile and turned back to his magazine as Lloyd dragged Kratos to the back section. Lloyd goggled at the selection; there were long ones, short ones, thick ones, bendy ones, ones of every shape and size. There were even a few exotic ones Kratos was sure neither of them would know what to do with.

"Ooh... how about this one? Or this one? (gasp) This one!" Lloyd said excitedly as he passed a particularly long one to his father.

"I'm not sure, Lloyd..." Kratos said, eyeing the thing disapprovingly. "It looks a bit too... soft. I don't think it would survive more than one or two uses." He held it horizontally by its handle, watching the rest of it sag under its own weight.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Lloyds roving eyes turned back to the shelf, where they soon caught an especially shiny silver one. "OOOH!" he squealed, sounding like Colette in a pet shop with puppies. "I want that one!"

"Are you sure?" Kratos questioned. He never really approved of the quality of the store's merchandise.

"Just look at it!" Lloyd pressed, holding it up to his father's face. "It's so _shiny_, and strong, and... I'll bet I get _lotsa_ use out of this one!"

"Oh alright." Kratos reached into his pocket for his Gald bag. Upon approaching the register the manager examined Lloyd's choice, announcing the price at 5000 Gald. _'That's awfully pricy... but it _is_ Lloyd's birthday.'_ Kratos paid the money, and father and son exited the store.

Lloyd, still giddy over his new toy, was swinging it about recklessly. After he narrowly missed hitting an older couple who were now staring at him strangely, Kratos decided that Lloyd had had enough fun. "Lloyd! Don't swing those around in public places!"

"Oh alright..." Lloyd grumbled, sheathing his new sword. "You're just a party pooper, you know that?" he whined at his father.

Kratos smirked slightly, placing a hand on his son's shoulder. "Keep that up and there won't be any sword training tonight..."

Lloyd immediately stood straight, horrified that he might lose his precious swordfighting practice. "Ok fine you win I'll be good!" he replied quickly...

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Hope you got a good laugh out of this one. One more to go...

¿ObviousMan?


	4. Absolutely Tame

Last story. This one put my friend into fits when he read it. Rating slightly higher for this one, for what is implied.

Fourth Story: Absolutely Tame

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..."Thanks for agreeing to do this with me."

Raine shifted uncomfortably on her seat. "...Are you sure this is safe?"

Her companion, Kratos, smiled as he snapped on her restraints. "Of course it is. I wouldn't kill you..."

"...Why am I not reassured by that?" she grumbled, tensing as she felt the tough leather straps pushing gently on her breasts.

Kratos leaned over her from his position. "Relax. You know I wouldn't intentionally cause you any serious harm." After a long silence, he added "Besides, Lloyd and Colette do this all the time."

"Really?" Raine answered, surprised. "I never thought of Colette as that type... nor Lloyd, really."

"The two of them are actually quite adventurous risk-takers," Kratos answered with a chuckle. "This is absolutely tame compared to their favorite."

"Just out of curiosity, who introduced _you_ to this?" Raine asked.

"Anna." he replied simply. "Although that time it was _her_ forcing _me_ to try it."

"Really? Where did she first experience it? I didn't know there were places like this back on Sylvarant." Raine asked.

"Actually, there used to be an old, rickety one by Luin, before it was burned down the first time. I'm glad Altamira has one; I was sure these had died out when Luin's was destroyed."

"...you're sure this isn't going to leave marks? No serious injuries? Nothing?" Raine asked, worried.

"I'm sure." Kratos placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Even if it did, you could just heal it over with your magic."

"Oh stop that." she retorted. "You know my healing magic doesn't work on myself."

"Then I'd heal you. After all," he smirked, "Anything that happened to you _would_ be my fault. I convinced you to do this," he replied, an evil smirk growing on his features.

Raine was unsettled before; now she was just plain scared. "...on second thought, I think I changed my mind."

"Too late!" Kratos laughed. "Once you put on those restraints, you're stuck with your choice. You're in it for the long haul now."

"No! Wait! I changed my mind! I want out—"

**SNAP**

"AAAAAAAAHHH!" Raine screamed as the roller coaster disengaged from the lift and went hurtling over the first hill.

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Sorry folks, but that's the last of 'em. You've had your fun; now it's my turn. R&R please!

¿ObviousMan?


End file.
